Stay in Touch

email us
MGuardian Security Services


This virus is no joke. It is progressive and dangerous.

It will begin with one cute puppy.......usually for companionship. You will not realize that you have been infected even when you begin trying to convince your family that foraging for food is more rewarding than buying groceries. You may not recognize the symptoms even when 90% of your snail mail consists of pet catalogs & show entries, and "sick days" have all been used to visit every dog show within 600 miles.

By the time the virus has taken firm hold, you will have reduced your yard to a safe area that can be enjoyed by your dogs. You will be trying to sell the kids swing set to pay for the latest dog toy.

Your computer will threaten to crash because of the huge amounts of dog web sites, Nutrition sites, programs, breed lists, rescue lists, advice lists, dog images, and canine health html bookmarks that have filled all available space.

You will "borrow" from your child's college fund to add more memory. This virus will take over every room of your house in the form of flyers, catalogs, premium lists, dog toys, dog beds, crates, dog food, and dog treats. You will begin to avoid anyone who doesn't have a dog and try to convert anyone who doesn't know your breed.

Your family will not recognize you unless you're covered with dog hair. You will seriously consider a second mortgage to take advantage of dog toy sales or, even worse, dog show entries. Depression will set in immediately after the last dog show of the season. Your own dog will worry about you.

There is no cure. Thankfully, there are groups where you can talk to others that have been infected and who will understand you. With luck they'll also know of a really good sale on dog food & supplements........Author Unknown

Making Puppies

A man and his son were walking down the street one day. They saw two dogs having sex in a yard.

The son asked his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"

Thinking fast, the father said, "Well, son, they are making puppies."

Every thing was okay for a couple of days. Then, one afternoon, the father was making love to his wife when the son walked in.

The son asked, "Daddy, what are you doing?"

Thinking fast, the father said, "We're making you a baby brother."

The son thought for a moment, then said, "Well, roll her over, daddy, I'd rather have a puppy!"

A Vet & A Doctor

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a Vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. .....Of course, if ~that~ doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

How did you know that?

When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and we liked it that way and no one thought it was one bit funny.

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of German Shepherd puppies. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy German Shepherd puppies and two girl German Shepherd puppies."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on their bottoms.


ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it? 
DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of lightbulb and find a more 
efficient form of lighting--perhaps a fluorescent bulb. 
SHEPHERD: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away. 
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done--they keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done! 
BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it. 
POMERANIANS don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out. 
PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No-- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you? 
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? 
AFGHAN: Lightbulb? What lightbulb? 
CAT: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. 
SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shiba's aren't afraid of the dark! 
SCHIPPERKE: It's your lightbulb--change it yourself. there food involved?? 
POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done. 
BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get? 
WEIMARANER: Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHTBULB?? 
LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep. 
BASENJI: LIGHTBULB?? We don't change no steenking lightbulbs!! 
MALAMUTE: Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy. 
BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair......... 
AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP,remove bulb , land. JUMP, replace bulb, land. 
Two: What lightbulb? So? We can play in the dark. 
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or frisbee - and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb yourself - you didn't have to do that - but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that." 
DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb. 
ROTTWEILER: I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one. 
CORGI: I cant reach the stupid lamp! 
SPRINGER: Lightbulb? Lightbulb? That thing I just ate was a lightbulb? 
STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out--then go lie down in disgust that it took so long. 
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it. 
WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of, what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. You're not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I'll change that light bulb!
GERMAN SHEPHERD: "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I'll add the lightbulb to my "To Do" list...." 
DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a, you took too long. I want TWO treats and I'll do it.........No, not that treat, the other kind. I have to do everything? (of course, followed by "the look".) 
IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb. 
PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go of old light bulb..........I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB. Please???? Let go of the light bulb??????

"Never moon a werewolf."

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." That's nothing", an American replied."We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Things We Can Learn From A Dog...

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. 
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. 
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. 
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. 
Let others know when they've invaded your territory. 
Take naps and stretch before rising. 
Run, romp and play daily. 
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. 
Be loyal. 
Never pretend to be something you're not. 
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. 
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. 
Thrive on attention and let people touch you. 
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. 
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. 
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. 
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and right back and make friends. 
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.


1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. 
2. Dogs like beer. 
3. Dogs don't hate their bodies. 
4. Dogs don't criticize. 
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 
6. Dogs never expect gifts. 
7. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.
8. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives. 
9. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 
10. Dogs don't cry. 
11. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
12. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. 
13. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late- the later you are, the more excited they are to see you. 
14. Anyone can get a good looking dog. 
15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
16. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
17. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. 
18. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 
19. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. 
20. A dog's parents never visit.


1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public. 
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone. 
3. You can train a dog. 
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 
5. Dogs understand what "NO" means. 
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. 
7. When dogs play "fetch", they don't laugh at how you throw. 
8. Dogs are color blind. 
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside.


1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost. 
2. Both take up too much space on the bed. 
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner. 
4. Both are threatened by their own kind. 
5. Neither understands what you see in cats. 
6. Both want dominance. 
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean. 
8. Both chase cars. 
9. The larger ones tend to drool. 
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

A Puppy

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy....P!"


LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.


An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town.

He had no family and only a few meager possessions; a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day.

Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in.

The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

On bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully.

He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench.

To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench.

Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone tomorrow.

When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped.

The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever.

But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him.

Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench,he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest,most helpless feeling he ever had!

Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went overto see what this shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did!

The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion.

Few people have ever heard these words....until now, that is.

One man who did happen toread them changed them a bit and has his named recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."


"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber.

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck

Where do German Shepherds and other pets come from?

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do German Shepherds and other pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him a German Shepherd "DOG."

And the German Shepherd Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And the German Shepherd Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. The German Shepherd Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.

And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

Eat Dogs???

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Walk'n N A Doggie Wonderland (Sing to "Walking in a Winter Wonderland")

Dogs tags ring, are you listening'? 
In the lane, snow is glistening'. 
It's yellow, NOT white 
I've been there tonight, 
Marking up my winter wonderland. 
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance. 
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants; 
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY property! 
Marked up as my winter wonderland." 
In the meadow dad will build a snowman, 
following the classical design. 
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man, 
So all the world will know it's mine mine mine! 
Straight from me to the fencepost, 
flows my naturaly incense boast; 
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth, 
I mark it as my winter wonderland."


10) Can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000. 
09) Fetch command not available on all platforms. 
08) Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail". 
07) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating. 
06) Keep bruising noses trying to catch the MPEG frisbee. 
05) Still trying to come up with emoticon signifying tail-wagging. 
04) 3 words: Carpal Paw Synadrome 
03) 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKac on the other hand..... 
02) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver. 
01) Tg9OpO{i DfsaAwRdNk HjAR%eD T^rO( T6yYu&P-[E#W@I*TyfHjuP[AsWz3S!! 

A NEW BREED ~ The Dog People!!!

They are:
....a special breed not usually recognized by any of the kennel club around the world.

...think everyone has dog crates in their living room.

...have messy houses yet their kennels are spotless.

...can always find a show catalog from somewhere within arm's reach.

...have kids who know more about the "birds and the bees" when they're five than most people know when they are 40. trucks, vans, and station wagons especially equipped to haul dog crates.

...can never be reached on a weekend, they're usually at a dog show.

...will drive 400 miles, spend $100 on gas, $200 on a motel and $150 for meals to bring home a 35 cent ribbon.

...have kids who regard "bitch" as just another household word.

...have lush, green, beautiful back yards and they've never bought a bag of fertilizer.

...get up at 6 AM to walk the dogs, can be at ringside dressed to kill at 8 AM, but have trouble getting to work on time.

...will usually give up the $150,000 home in the suburbs to move to a shack on 10 acres so they can have a $150,000 kennel.

...never miss a closing date for entry fees, but pay the mortgage 10 days late.

...use dog food bags for trash cans and 30 gallon trash cans for dog food. for hours on the phone to another dog person in a language known only to dog people.

...have parents who think they've lost their minds.

...have dog friends who think they are terrific.

...are crazy.


A Blind person walking down Yonge Street in Toronto, commanded his dog to turn right to what he thought was the subway entrance. He had miscalculated, and found himself completely disoriented in a dead-end alley.

A passer-by saw his dilemma, and asked if he could help.

"Yes, thank you" said the blind man, "I was trying to get to the subway."

The man leaned over to the dog, and said slowly and distinctly into the dog's ear, "TAKE - HIM - TO - THE - SUBWAY!"